#119: Which shoe would suck the least amount to get hit with?
Marina Mabrey was hit with a shoe the other night in her game against the New York Liberty. Which basketball shoe would suck the least amount if it hit you? I find out.
You've seen shoe-gate by now, right? During the Toronto Tempo and New York Liberty game on Sunday, Betnijah Laney-Hamilton picked up her teammate (Jonquel Jones) loose show and went to get it back to her by ... throwing it through the air and hitting Marina Mabrey in the back.
CJ Fogler
Shoutout to our crash-out queen for not, well, crashing out.
Laney-Hamilton ended up getting ejected from the game, especially because she received a technical earlier in the game and it was chippy with Marina and BLH all game.
Both put the nonsense to rest after the game by coming out and saying that it wasn't intentional to, well, get hit by and throw a fucking shoe at someone.
This isn't a George Bush press conference.
The shoe, by the way, was a Sabrina 3.
Mabrey had some fun on Instagram on a post by Sabrina Ionescu promoting her Sabrina 4 that's dropping this week.
But, of course, it had me thinking: how much would getting hit by the shoe from three-quarters court hurt?
But then (yes, two straight paragraphs starting with "but," deal with it, Mom) I had the better question: which shoe would getting hit with hurt the least?
Because let's face it - it would suck no matter what. This is a very scientific article. I'm going to rank the top 10 basketball shoes from history that would hurt the least amount if Betnijah Laney-Hamilton threw one at me.
- The shoe: Adidas Crazy Light 2
The pain scale: 6
The why: This was dubbed the "lightest basketball shoe of all time," but this would hurt from up close. It's not going to make it the entire three-quarters court, because it is too light. It's like the idea of throwing a piece of naan vs. a French baguette. The naan is too light and would just float and ... drop. So if you were within five feet, this one would hurt because SCIENCE.
- The shoe: Converse "Chuck Taylor" All-Star
The pain scale: 6
The why: I think this one would hurt, but the top of it is so lightweight that if you got hit with it, it would just fold in on itself. Those soles don't mess around, though. How lucky are you feeling?
- The shoe
The pain scale
The why
- The shoe: AE1
The pain scale: 5
The why: It instantly became one of my favorite shoes because it is so damn light. The rubber outsole and side really help with the airflow and allow for a softish blow if it would hit you.
- The shoe: Penny Hardaway Foamposite
The pain scale: 5
The why: Don't let the name fool you! Yes, it's foam, but this shit is heavy, clunky, and I think there's a good chance I would try to play this off like a baseball player getting hit in the back by a pitcher, but I would ultimately collapse to the ground like MAGA cult members when they found out that Lindsey Graham died.
- The shoe: AE2
The pain scale: 4
The why: This is actually lighter and softer than the AE1. The AE1 is so light and comfy with its rubber exterior, but this one has the light cloth to go with the rubber.
- The shoe: The Kobe 1
The pain scale: 2
The why: Do you remember these? They are the lightest, most styrofoam-ass shoe to exist. And they were so damn comfy. For about 80 percent of this shoe, it would be like someone hit you with a foam finger. If the sole hit you, it would hurt, but the odds are in your favor.
Until Next Time
I hope that you enjoyed this deeply serious newsletter. The Dream's PR guy came over when I was writing this and said 1. "Michael, mate. Close some of those fucking tabs" and 2. "I'm glad to see that you're breaking down the important stories."
This is why I'm here.
I love you awesome nerds.
